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If you can't get out on your lunch break to commune with the succulents in the conservatory, get one that comes to you!
Though I don't quite understand what one needs with so many pencils, I'm glad there's a job out there for Mr. Whaley since he retired from teaching schools of fish.
Do you chew on your pens and mangle them? It won't look quite as odd if it looks like you're chewing on actual candy.