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Editor's Note: Contains foul language.

The Onion articulates the feelings I have about hipster weddings that I've been bottling up in a precious mason jar for so long.

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Sometimes I wonder if flashmob proposals aren't more about the people planning them than the actual proposal recipient. OH NO DID I SAY THAT OUT LOUD?! Shame on me.

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Don't mind the lonely ambulance driver, he's just going to pass by a few times, lamenting the sweet, sweet despair that is love. His siren is like a sigh that pleads to Venus to release him from the misery of longing for the one that got away. No, really, carry on with your merrymaking.