The Real World St. Thomas: "Chicken Abuse and Broken Dreams”

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The Real World St. Thomas: "Chicken Abuse and Broken Dreams”
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The Real World St. Thomas finale (aired 9/12) involves chicken abuse (Swift), a guy almost sh*ting his pants during a parade (Trey), drunken gorilla dancing (Marie at a bar), pole dancing (Laura at a bar), and yellow vomit spewing over the side of a boat (all the cast members).

Details about the chickens: to get back at the girls (Marie and LaToya) for a prank, Swift decides to forcibly kidnap two St. Thomas chickens and hide them in his roommates' beds. "I hope LaToya doesn't jump on them!" he says excitedly. So then of course LaToya comes in and jumps on them. Upon being discovered, the chickens emerge with bald patches and expressions of terror (if chickens can have expressions). They are technically alive, but holding on by a thread.

After the closing credits, MTV offers a message of reassurance for the audience: "No chickens were harmed in the implementation of Swift's pranks. They continue to run free in St. Thomas." I'd like to tweak the message, slightly: "Wild chickens were chased down by a Real World cast member, squeezed, probed, man-handled, wrestled into a taped up box, transported on a boat, hidden under thick blankets as a hilarious "joke", trampled on by multiple drunkards (Ha ha! It's a PRANK! FUNNY!), and finally "released' back into the wild. No chickens were killed during filming of this episode, though they probably died from stress shortly after being 'freed'."

Read more about dead chickens and drunk douchebags at Real Housewives Real Professor!

Real Housewives of New Jersey Season Finale, Part I: Awkard Central

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Real Housewives of New Jersey Season Finale, Part I: Awkard Central View Fullscreen
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On the first installment of the two-part Real Housewives of New Jersey finale (aired 9/16): Caroline Manzo and the husband visit sons Chris and Albie in their apartment, and as usual Caroline is a She-Bear Mega-Btch. Albie's girlfriend Lindsay, who seems perfectly nice, is cooking breakfast for everybody. "It smells all the way down the hallway!" Caroline announces as she enters the apartment. For a moment, it seems as though she is offering a compliment to Lindsay, which does seem strange considering how cruel and withholding she normally is. Then she finishes her statement: "Can you open a window?" In other words: "Lindsay, your food smells bad, and you will NEVER marry my son! If he can't legally marry me, he will marry NO ONE!"

As everybody digests her remark, an awkward silence ensues. Caroline then proceeds to tell Albie how great his apartment is, his career... but never mentions his girlfriend Lindsay. The camera passes over said girlfriend's face and she's flushed with shame.

(Side note: Caroline,, you remind me of Garfield. You really, really remind me of Garfield. The red hair? The lasagna? The angry expression? The hatred for all things cuter than you? And also the fact that you told a clothing store owner, "I don't do sparkles!"? Am I the first to make this comparison?)

The scene in Chris and Albie's apartment only gets worse. Caroline and hubby Big Al talk about retirement, and Al passive-aggressively jokes that once they start spending unlimited amounts of time together, he could realize "this chick (Caroline) is a b
tch!" The room erupts with laughter, but Caroline scowls and a cloud of darkness settles around her. She looks at Al like she wants to cut his head off with a laser. AWKWARD! Get this woman some lasagna, stat!

For more about Caroline Manzo and a certain housewife's stripper past check out Real Housewives Real Professor!

Obsessing about Obsessing and Cheerleaders Kicking People in the Face

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Obsessing about Obsessing and Cheerleaders Kicking People in the Face
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Check out the recap from the latest episode of "America's Next Top Model" over at Real Housewives Real Professor!