Real Housewives of New Jersey Season Finale, Part I: Awkard Central

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On the first installment of the two-part Real Housewives of New Jersey finale (aired 9/16): Caroline Manzo and the husband visit sons Chris and Albie in their apartment, and as usual Caroline is a She-Bear Mega-Btch. Albie's girlfriend Lindsay, who seems perfectly nice, is cooking breakfast for everybody. "It smells all the way down the hallway!" Caroline announces as she enters the apartment. For a moment, it seems as though she is offering a compliment to Lindsay, which does seem strange considering how cruel and withholding she normally is. Then she finishes her statement: "Can you open a window?" In other words: "Lindsay, your food smells bad, and you will NEVER marry my son! If he can't legally marry me, he will marry NO ONE!"

As everybody digests her remark, an awkward silence ensues. Caroline then proceeds to tell Albie how great his apartment is, his career... but never mentions his girlfriend Lindsay. The camera passes over said girlfriend's face and she's flushed with shame.

(Side note: Caroline,, you remind me of Garfield. You really, really remind me of Garfield. The red hair? The lasagna? The angry expression? The hatred for all things cuter than you? And also the fact that you told a clothing store owner, "I don't do sparkles!"? Am I the first to make this comparison?)

The scene in Chris and Albie's apartment only gets worse. Caroline and hubby Big Al talk about retirement, and Al passive-aggressively jokes that once they start spending unlimited amounts of time together, he could realize "this chick (Caroline) is a b
tch!" The room erupts with laughter, but Caroline scowls and a cloud of darkness settles around her. She looks at Al like she wants to cut his head off with a laser. AWKWARD! Get this woman some lasagna, stat!

For more about Caroline Manzo and a certain housewife's stripper past check out Real Housewives Real Professor!

The Real World St. Thomas: "Chicken Abuse and Broken Dreams”

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The Real World St. Thomas: "Chicken Abuse and Broken Dreams”
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The Real World St. Thomas finale (aired 9/12) involves chicken abuse (Swift), a guy almost sh*ting his pants during a parade (Trey), drunken gorilla dancing (Marie at a bar), pole dancing (Laura at a bar), and yellow vomit spewing over the side of a boat (all the cast members).

Details about the chickens: to get back at the girls (Marie and LaToya) for a prank, Swift decides to forcibly kidnap two St. Thomas chickens and hide them in his roommates' beds. "I hope LaToya doesn't jump on them!" he says excitedly. So then of course LaToya comes in and jumps on them. Upon being discovered, the chickens emerge with bald patches and expressions of terror (if chickens can have expressions). They are technically alive, but holding on by a thread.

After the closing credits, MTV offers a message of reassurance for the audience: "No chickens were harmed in the implementation of Swift's pranks. They continue to run free in St. Thomas." I'd like to tweak the message, slightly: "Wild chickens were chased down by a Real World cast member, squeezed, probed, man-handled, wrestled into a taped up box, transported on a boat, hidden under thick blankets as a hilarious "joke", trampled on by multiple drunkards (Ha ha! It's a PRANK! FUNNY!), and finally "released' back into the wild. No chickens were killed during filming of this episode, though they probably died from stress shortly after being 'freed'."

Read more about dead chickens and drunk douchebags at Real Housewives Real Professor!

Project Runway: “Print Challenge Equals Hideous Fashions”

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Project Runway: “Print Challenge Equals Hideous Fashions”
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Interesting moment from Project Runway, Season 10, Episode 9 (air 9/13):

According to Tim Gunn, designer Ven Budhu's dress, detailed with pink and white flower patterns, appears to be covered in used maxi pads. "It's like an homage to a menstrual cycle," he says sadly. EWWWW. C'mon, Tim! Ven changes the dress into something like a set of human conjoined twins: one dress on the bottom and one dress on top. I'd rather wear a cute dress that looks like a maxi pad than a hideous dress that doesn't look like a maxi pad. Just saying.

I guess Tim Gunn has seen a number of used maxi pads in his lifetime?

Read more about maxi pads and designer Gunnar buying his mom a boob job at Real Housewives Real Professor!

Zombies and the GREATEST LIVING ACTOR

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America's Next Top Model, Season 19, episode 4 (aired 9/14), begins with the "acting challenge". Tyra determines that the best actor currently working in the biz is TYLER PERRY, so she brings him in to help with judging.

Tyra: "In order to make you the top, I needed to bring the top. He is the king of doing characters!
Medea?" And then, "Acting is all about being over the top."

Reminder to viewers: This "melodrama over substance" approach to acting has gotten Tyra VERY far in the movie biz. Hasn't it? Oh. Wait. It hasn't . She was in Life Size. She played a living doll. With Lindsay Lohan. No wonder Lindsay's acting career is cursed!

While Episode 3 was about "preserving" the reputation of Harvard, this episode is about denigrating the art of acting.

Lesson (not) learned: TYLER PERRY is apparently in league with Meryl Streep and Daniel Day Lewis as far as his ability to create characters.

Read about bad acting, oozing zombie sores, and more, at Real Housewives Real Professor!

Real Housewives of New Jersey 9/9: Cavemen and Catfights

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Real Housewives of New Jersey 9/9: Cavemen and Catfights
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On the most recent episode of RHONJ, there is evidence (just a little) that the human species may be evolving. In the Gorga household: Although Joe uses Country Crock margarine to oil the pancake griddle, at least he's doing something other than getting naked and/or harassing Melissa. Normally, on a given morning, he's standing behind Melissa as she makes pancakes, performing humping motions in the air and telling her she has a great ass. This is a nice change of pace.

Over in the Giudice household: Juicy is making bagged lunch for the kids. JUICY IS DOING SOMETHING OTHER THAN DRINKING OR MAKING SECRET PHONE CALLS TO HIS GIRLIFRIEND. Later, as the kids are leaving for the school bus, Teresa remarks, "I'm worried about what's going to come out of her (Milania) mouth in school." In other words: Milania might mention the time daddy did a back flip and busted his tooth, or the time he called mommy a c*nt, or the numerous incidents during which mommy got mad and tried to punch people and flip tables, or (worst of all) the fact that her whole life is on camera and her parents are awful and can she have a new family, please?

Read the full recap of the latest Real Housewives of New Jersey episode "Our Husbands are not Total Misogynists" over at Real Housewives Real Professor now!