Real Housewives of New Jersey 9/9: Cavemen and Catfights

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On the most recent episode of RHONJ, there is evidence (just a little) that the human species may be evolving. In the Gorga household: Although Joe uses Country Crock margarine to oil the pancake griddle, at least he's doing something other than getting naked and/or harassing Melissa. Normally, on a given morning, he's standing behind Melissa as she makes pancakes, performing humping motions in the air and telling her she has a great ass. This is a nice change of pace.

Over in the Giudice household: Juicy is making bagged lunch for the kids. JUICY IS DOING SOMETHING OTHER THAN DRINKING OR MAKING SECRET PHONE CALLS TO HIS GIRLIFRIEND. Later, as the kids are leaving for the school bus, Teresa remarks, "I'm worried about what's going to come out of her (Milania) mouth in school." In other words: Milania might mention the time daddy did a back flip and busted his tooth, or the time he called mommy a c*nt, or the numerous incidents during which mommy got mad and tried to punch people and flip tables, or (worst of all) the fact that her whole life is on camera and her parents are awful and can she have a new family, please?

Read the full recap of the latest Real Housewives of New Jersey episode "Our Husbands are not Total Misogynists" over at Real Housewives Real Professor now!

Real Housewives of New Jersey Season Finale, Part I: Awkard Central

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On the first installment of the two-part Real Housewives of New Jersey finale (aired 9/16): Caroline Manzo and the husband visit sons Chris and Albie in their apartment, and as usual Caroline is a She-Bear Mega-Btch. Albie's girlfriend Lindsay, who seems perfectly nice, is cooking breakfast for everybody. "It smells all the way down the hallway!" Caroline announces as she enters the apartment. For a moment, it seems as though she is offering a compliment to Lindsay, which does seem strange considering how cruel and withholding she normally is. Then she finishes her statement: "Can you open a window?" In other words: "Lindsay, your food smells bad, and you will NEVER marry my son! If he can't legally marry me, he will marry NO ONE!"

As everybody digests her remark, an awkward silence ensues. Caroline then proceeds to tell Albie how great his apartment is, his career... but never mentions his girlfriend Lindsay. The camera passes over said girlfriend's face and she's flushed with shame.

(Side note: Caroline,, you remind me of Garfield. You really, really remind me of Garfield. The red hair? The lasagna? The angry expression? The hatred for all things cuter than you? And also the fact that you told a clothing store owner, "I don't do sparkles!"? Am I the first to make this comparison?)

The scene in Chris and Albie's apartment only gets worse. Caroline and hubby Big Al talk about retirement, and Al passive-aggressively jokes that once they start spending unlimited amounts of time together, he could realize "this chick (Caroline) is a b
tch!" The room erupts with laughter, but Caroline scowls and a cloud of darkness settles around her. She looks at Al like she wants to cut his head off with a laser. AWKWARD! Get this woman some lasagna, stat!

For more about Caroline Manzo and a certain housewife's stripper past check out Real Housewives Real Professor!

“What is White Trash? Oh. Me. Okay.”

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The past few installments of the Real Housewives of New York City (set in St. Barts for the "girls' trip") revolve around a central question: What is "white trash?"

On the 9/3 episode of RHONY, uptight, anxiety-ridden, elitist, b*tchtastic buzzkill Aviva called Sonja and Ramona (blond, rich, 50-something drunkards with lots of time and even more money) "white trash." This was a head scratching moment for the ladies; they claimed afterward to have no idea what "white trash" was (can a person really be so sheltered and wealthy that they have never even heard the term? Or does it just hit too close to home and they've blocked it out?).

On the most recent episode (aired 9/10) they discuss the "slur" further:
Ramona: What's white trash? Is it tacky?
Sonja: Well, we're white. We're trashy.
Ramona: We're not trashy! (Looking up "white trash" on the internet)
Ramona: It's poor white people. I've never been poor!
Sonja: A hillbilly can make people feel welcome. 'Welcome to my trailer!'

And later: Ramona: I'm going to the bathroom to have more diarrhea.
Sonja: That's white trash.

So, now they know what it means?

It'd be kind of dull to actually recount why Aviva's mean and why Caroline started crying and when Heather got mad and LuAnn with the blah blah... I think it's more interesting to just talk about Ramona and Sonja. Tacky? Maybe? Drunk? Yeah. Girls Gone Wild? Sure. White trash? You decide.

For the full recap of last night's RHONY episode and a breakdown of the ultra-trashy naked swimming pool scene NOBODY need to see, head on over to Real Housewives Real Professor now!

Obsessing about Obsessing and Cheerleaders Kicking People in the Face

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Check out the recap from the latest episode of "America's Next Top Model" over at Real Housewives Real Professor!

ANTM College Edition: What it Takes (not) to Get to Harvard

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On this week's episode of America's Next Top Model: College Edition (aired 9/7), we learned that: 1) ANTM makeovers aren't as dramatic as they used to be - 2) Models feel it's their duty to defend the reputation of Ivy League Universities - 3) Tyra Banks is a (fake) Harvard graduate - 4) Cnt is a bad word, but accurate in describing certain people - 5) Getting naked and humiliating yourself for a photo shoot is part of modeling - 6) Your mother can be your best friend and life partner - 7) Weeping uncontrollably gets you airtime on ANTM - 8) Harvard-educated models are slightly smarter than regular models

Details:
1) ANTM makeovers are the joy of ANTM fans' lives. We know, if we watch an ANTM makeover episode, we will get: models wailing uncontrollably over toilets after having their head shaved bald, models clutching pieces of their hair and saying, "I've been growing it for YEARS!", and of course models resigning from the show altogether because of botched cuts, and/or threatening to punch the judges in the face after a hair follicle infection. So much entitlement, vanity, hilarity, all in a single hour.

Well, this episode was not that. The makeovers didn't cause much reaction. Nobody's head was shaved bald. Nobody attempted suicide because of a bad dye job. BORE-A-THON.

2) The only real drama came from the lone Ivy League model on the show. Maria refused the makeover altogether (this is a new option for contestants, but they then suffer Tyra Banks and Kelly Cutrone's wrath, which consists of a table meeting where Kelly Cutrone says things like, 'You're committed to defending mediocrity.").

The other contestants were incredulous about Maria's decision, and seemed to think her choice not to have a makeover would jeopardize Harvard's reputation. "She acted like an embarrassment to Harvard," said one girl with the glitter of a tear in her eye. The logic, I guess, is that Harvard bases its reputation on…whether or not Harvard students perform well on America's Next Top Model?

3 and 4) The girls were equally enraged by Maria's subsequent pronouncement that Kelly Cutrone was "a c
nt" (um, isn't she?), and they even bemoaned the fact that Maria was "from the same school as Tyra." Not quite, my pretties. Not quite.

5) But anyway. After the makeovers, the girls went to their photo shoot, during which they had to strip off all their clothes and pose naked as babies for photographer Tony Duran. The contestants seemed very comfortable nude, which made me wonder about their past career endeavors. Just saying.

6) During the course of the episode, we are reminded (as we have been reminded all cycle) that Victoria's relationship with her mother is wholly inappropriate. I shouldn't pick on her, but Victoria has gone into org*smic convulsions at least two or three times at the thought of talking to her mother on the phone. Is your mother Brad Pitt, or something? Because she seems to excite you. A lot. Like in special ways.

7) The more one cries, though, the more one seems to be on-screen. Victoria's crying jags are truly giving her an edge over the competition, at least in the way of airtime.

8) The final lesson from ANTM: Harvard's reputation is safe and sound, namely because Maria showed herself to be slightly smarter than her competition. The ONLY (and I mean ONLY) Harvard attendee to appear on ANTM Cycle 19 realized her mistake in joining the cast within three episodes, and resigned before posing nude. Sorry, Tyra, but that's the closest you'll ever get to a Harvard grad.

Read more from Kindall Gray on her blog, Real Housewives Real Professor!

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